individual one (possible collusional antidote)

Is it more important that I write about people I'm attracted to, and things I like, or to write about how people I know worship others as gods? Non-sexual mostly, that last one. The separation of an individual from those around him, is very important. One should strive for spontaneity, even if one ends up wearing a t-shirt proclaiming 'autism'.

I dreamt last night that I was making a movie, directing a large set of people, test shots developed through q-tips in locker rooms. You had to shake the q-tip and it was covered in melting wax and it would either turn into a photo or fuse up and smoke out. Some claymation sections. Plot was something revolutionary on the common.

Second dream was in a wasteland of mall ruins and metal. Storms and green lightning, purple skies. Aliens, yes. An industrial wasteland along the collapsed malls, all on oceanside cliffs. Ruins of factories, stores, concrete and metal. Climbing down the side of cliff, storms overhead, black skies green lighting. Out from the parking lot to this cliff, and down. A hunt was on, everything was upon this moment. And there was Mulder, two Mulders. As I climbed down I could see them both below amongst another set of commercial building leftovers. One of them was the beast we had to kill. "You're my nigga Mulder!" I called out. "Yeah I'm ya nigga!" So I knew that one was the fake, I killed him with a spear technology thing, he faded away to a card on the ground, which blinked and the information it had was frightening.

Last weekend after the wedding breakfast, a woman tells me about heaven, and how it will be built on earth. I respect her faith, but personally I believe there is no heaven or hell or afterlife really. I think that consciousness is an aftereffect of a living body and when it dies so do "you". However, I do feel there is something after death, and this relates to a more mystic, spiritual concept I have, a faith in the individuals spirit and the noosphere.

Of course that woman's husband had just died. I don't give condolences, I feel it's wrong.

Thinking of her, and this otherwise larger outside family, and how I saw others I do know look up to them as if they were gods. I saw a girl at the library today, well a young woman, perhaps Japanese, anyway she was fantastic, strong, brilliant. But as the time passed my desire for her became seemingly whole and then as I observed her for a second from another perspective, the place where those feelings occupied was empty. Not that I didn't suddenly talk to her, which I wanted to. She was tutoring someone. I was tutoring too, in a way. I couldn't tell how old she was, I think it was a possible controversy, that was my mental excuse. She could of been my age though. Who cares at this point?

I checked out books on a variety of things, one of which was the Oxford book on Shinto. Two friends of my brother are in conflict over religion. One comes from a fundametalist background, the other from a more diverse place. L.'s parents have taught him that anyone who isn't a Christian will go to hell, and moreover perverted his character with many conflicting ideals. So when he learned that K.'s grandmother was a Buddhist, well L. told him that his grandmother was going to hell. K. is also a Christian. He and his family have expressed to L. and L.'s family that this hurts and please think twice and stop. K.'s family silently suggests that it's true: she will go to hell. I am learning about Shinto for one because I feel that a widening perspective may help plant the Trojan horse which will free L.'s mind to think for itself. The problem lies in the fact that L.'s faith slash philosophy states that all who differ are wrong. My philosophy wants to give respect to all beliefs, and my feeling is that I want L. to respect at least to the point of allowing other's their independent beliefs. However, in so doing I do not allow L. his fundamentalist rearing. It may seem silly, but it is a conflict for me. One of many in so far as my feelings and L. is concerned. Fundamentalist parents can be so cruel. And doing nothing can make one feel so right and wrong.