How About An Actual Blog Post

Well, I've had this blog for over four years and I don't think I've even done one actual blog-style post. So, here's a little start... Um, recorded three new Aiko Planetarium demos this morning, each shortish vocal and guitar songs. "Pocket" started out as a sort of calypso thing but ended up being very much like my other songs once recorded, no calypso. "Mia!" was a song I'd written maybe four years ago but had lost. Since I'm working on the second Aiko record now, and this song was originally on it, I was trying to find it but since I couldn't I rewrote it from my memory of its gist. A love song of sorts, or love-lorn rather. The last song, "Kvlt Boy", was inspired by this black metal mp3 blog I came across that had only lasted a handful of posts and died back in 2008. The poster seemed very sweet and well, inspired my song about a boy who quietly in his room is very troo and grim, but also polite and well... isolated and depressed? And.... before that I recorded a few ambient tracks, two I posted about here.

I'm also working on a gaggle of picture books I'd done but had left unfinished, some of these go back six years. The opening pic here is from the one I'm completing a dummy for. It's about a boy and his dad and, um, feelings. It's actually looking really good, which is exciting. As I go through and work on these books it's been surprising how much stuff I've done. I think I'll feel a lot healthier once I get it out there.

This summer I put on some weight which is really bothering me. Since I was little I've had serious body image issues and I just want to be skinny again. And I guess that ties into all of this, both renewed creativity and everything else. So, I was at Kinkos tonight doing some copying for the picture book and there was this really cute girl there, only as I was copying I overheard her talking on her cellphone as she was behind me slicing papers. She was saying something about having dropped off her kids. It struck me that even though she looked young to me she was probably my age. Yet, another weird dose of getting older. Afterwards I went to Barnes and Noble across the street to see if there were any interesting picture books on imprints I might want to query. There was a girl out front that totally dumbfounded me. She was writing at a little table, and had a little guitar case at her feet. I had to force myself to remember I was still driving. I parked so I would have to walk by her to go inside. That was sort of just her squirming and me trying not to spazz out. After finding two winners amongst a hundred or so picture books I made notes and, already feeling screwed up inside, started walking out... only to see that girl, well young woman, bent over. She stood up and we sort of smiled at each other. Her face seemed very different than the glance I had caught before and I tried to use that to distance myself from my interest in talking to her and how lousy I felt about not doing that which I tried to explain away as being from my current body image problems. But while driving away I did think that at least there are people out there who I would get along with better than my recent relationships... Once home I poured a gin and coke and had that and a smoke.

Money is a problem too, which may be why I'm trying to do all I can to get a writing career going somewhat, even if I really think that has more to do with trying to be honest with what I want, or something... For one, I don't imagine I'll make anything from the poems I'm submitting this week were they to be published. But, I'll feel a lot better about myself either way because I'll be on track. It's all so complicated though. And lately I've really been keeping a great distance between myself and most of my handful of friends. I even finally had the chance for a date with a girl I'd had a crush on for years but sort of realized it wasn't what I really wanted, weird. But, like going back and reconnecting with my music from years ago, and the stuff I'm doing now, as well as those picture books and my poetry now is this really huge thing for me, it connects to so many parts of my life that had sort of been, um swirling into nowhere?

Okay that felt sort of lame. But, there's so much more to say so maybe these will become more frequent than every four years?