An Absence Of Meaning To The Light

At five I saw my sister doing something special,
I think she was dancing, I don't know where
she had learned to do it like that, but she was in
this white summer dress with little red flowers
on it, her golden curls shining in the afternoon
light, and her face, I remember, was so happy.

At seven I saw my sister kidnapped,
this big guy, he took her in a white truck.
We had been out chasing frogs by our stream.
I remember it was kind of cold, and we were
laughing. Then the guy came up to her
and she stopped, when he grabbed her,
I lost it, just went blank. I stood there by
this tree and I watched them go towards the
truck. I followed slowly, he just held her like
she was some sort of doll, but she was screaming
he just got in the truck with her and drove away.

I remember the red lights of the back of the truck
just watching them pull off into the distance
and it just became this little white truck
and then there was this strange flash
in the sky, but I just looked up for a second,
and then the truck was gone.

I said she'd run away, I told everyone that.

I was walking home from school when
I found her body on the road. She was
wrapped in a blanked that used to be light
blue, but well, I think it was her blood.
She seemed so small, and her eyes
were closed.

I didn't do anything for a while. I just stood there
and then I remember moving, and I was going
to a different school, and it hurt, this thing hurt
inside, but I don't really remember much for
a while.

At twelve, I broke my forefinger trying to close
a window. This is awful, but for the next two weeks
I would stick my splint bound finger down my turtle's
throat before going to bed.

Each night I'd go a little bit further, a little bit
more. Sometimes I think it would try to throw up.
It couldn't bite because of the splint,
then one morning mom took that off,
and you wouldn't believe it,
but that same day
my turtle died.

I guess I've always done weird things, I don't
know why. And I don't mean to. Sometimes
I think back to my sister, her smile
and that glow in her eyes, but then she
goes away,

then I see her on the road, in the sun,
that dead face, and I always think
her eyes are going to open.

I just have to slow down for a moment,
it's there inside, that night goes around
like it's the only one, that little place
we'd go to and chase frogs, it's like
that place exists inside me now
the cold air, the little stream,
the trees, the grass, the
leaves and shit. I'm
shaking. I have
to think about
something
else.

I know, you see, I know
a lot of weird facts,
just random things, like,

did you know Thomas Edison electrocuted
an elephant? Her name was Topsy. She had
been abused and was killing people. Edison
made a film of it, it's all green. Topsy just
stands there, like a regular elephant. Then
this smoke starts to rise, and she falls over.

I just don't want to talk about back then
anymore, I need to just take a little break.
I'm doing okay though, otherwise.

Oh I wrote this thing, I want to read
to you, it's about this guy who's just
moved out, he like nineteen or
something.

“I have my own place now, but it's pretty empty.
My big news is last month I bought a used Honda
Civic. It's supposed to be a really good car. But,
now I've got this loan thing barreling down my
throat. So, I'm getting this second job at, if you
can believe it, a circus. I get to clean all the shit
up. I can do it, I mean, I just have to remember
I'll have that loan paid off in no time. And, that'll
feel good.”