Dane Cook At The Movies

The story goes something like,
4 a.m. on a Tuesday
Satan barfed up a set of small
figurines in a dark alley
of some forsaken North Carolinian
city's ghetto

they were shitty toys
from the early 1980s
bought for a quarter each
out of a vending machine

even as they oozed in Satan's
chunky milk looking vomit
you could make them out
on the alley's floor,
two inches tall,
in the early morning light

an orange muscle man,
with a large '6' in
permanent marker
over the stomach

a purple Venus de Milo,
formed from a wrestler
with pecks that had
been molded too conical

and a fat yellow camel
which Satan used as a target
to relieve his one-six-packed
too many bladder,
just before he skirted off to Kansas

magically, the camel changed into a fat faced
man, who ended up starring in movies
and letting his dog shit wherever

and who one night broke into his parents'
house after a night of binge eating
and puked in their hallway,
before falling flat onto the
wood floor

in that pre-shit-factory-up-chuck
laid a small maraschino cherry
atop a seven inch sausage
Dane had swallowed whole
and now it was laying there
once again outside him
in front of his glazing eyes,
something that was once truly his

as his lips let loose vomity spittle,
making bubbles that rested
then silently split in his heavy breathing,
Dane reached up for the sausage
and back in he put it
palming it once more through his lips
and down his throat,
where it got stuck

the funny part is those shitty toys
had been Dane's, he'd hoarded them
like he did everything else
but recently he'd started carrying them
in his underwear as a way to cope with
stress

some girls had been standing in line
for his new movie when Satan
came around to put a touch of the cancer
in a little kid's hip
and whisper 'fatty' in a teenager's ear

Dane was driving drunk nearby
and when he spotted Satan he knew,
he had to kill him

so he drove right into the line at the
theater, killing the kid, and the teen
and the girls who wondered who this fat
faced drunk was.

But, how Satan ended up with the toys
and how Dane was absolved,
I leave up to you.